Anger, revengeful, spiteful, anti-social, self-destructive, low self-esteem… are the few of the many traits that I have since young. I have always known that deep down inside, I have the dark traits in me. I had this belief that my deep-seated anger can destroy the world if unleashed. As I grow older, I learnt that these traits are not welcome at all .. slowly I conditioned myself into someone that I am not … a 2 faced liar who hid my real personality from the world.
In order to justify my own actions, I lived in my self-created bubble, I projected myself as a martyr, a altruism who has the vision to save the world to people so that I can strike when times come.
I am a living twilight who used to switch sides to suit my agenda. When playing the victim, I will see this world as harsh and cruel, I want out of this game. When I played as a victimizer, destruction thoughts crept in which I gave myself the liberty to act like a villain.
Living in denial, not wanting to face the truth of myself is the biggest mistake of my life. All the years wasted on living in a façade, belief when time could be spent on reflection and corrective actions for my soul upliftment. Now looking back, my fake identity of Miss goodies is nothing but a big fat lie.
I learnt to acknowledge that I have desires of wanting to be loved, understood, appreciated, in order to compensate for my inferiority complex, I projected it at the expense of others, by belittling their personality with gossips, slandering other by spreading rumour due to my jealousy and envy, created lies and traps to take advantage of people’s kindness, procrastination, running away from responsibilities, afraid to come out from my comfort zone, never trust anyone, lack of passion in anything as I have a short span of interest, dishonest…. and many more
Yes, you are looking at shades of a narcissism in me …. so how many types of narcissists are there you will ask … there are many and I am so fortunate… unfortunate for the some… that I crossed path on a close encounter with them. Interestingly having shades of narcissism myself has been a victim of a narcissist as well! Isn't that an irony for me …. which I will share my adventures in my next few blogs ... journey of a self confessed narcissist
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| Common terms used in Narcissism |
